I’m an overachiever. Always have been, always will be. It takes a lot for me to raise a white flag and declare that I’m sinking. That I need help. That I don’t know what to do. Admitting that I can’t problem solve my way out of a mess is really, really difficult for me but here I am. I need help.
Today was a difficult day… but before I explain to you about my difficult day, let me first tell you the brief synopsis of who I am in case this is your first time here. My name is Erin, I own a company (started it when I was 21, been at it for 8 years now), I have a 13 month old daughter named Willow, I’ve been married since 2005 to my best friend and I like to stay active and social.
Okay. Now that you know who I am, let me tell you about why I am sitting here blogging right now instead of tackling my massive to-do list, e-mailing clients, putting away that laundry I just folded, putting dinner away or… well… any of the other hundred things I could be doing.
I’m blogging right now, instead of doing all of that, because I don’t know what to do really. I am paralyzed by the thought of my next step and I am feeling so overwhelmed that thinking I’ll ever get out from this overwhelm is a little bit of a fantasy at the moment.
Today was a difficult day. My nanny, who is also a supply teacher, got called in to supply teach, which left me without her help for the day. Then, Steve started back on evenings and he had appointments this morning, which meant that I was solely responsible for Willow for most of the entire morning, afternoon and evening. HUGE props to single mommas everywhere… I don’t know how you do it and maintain sanity. Before you jump down my throat about, “Wow, you have to look after your own kid for the day? That’s tough?” let me finish.
I also was up until 4AM the night before working on client work. I went to bed and woke up at least twice before 9:30AM to nurse Willow. I got out of bed at 9:45AM. So, I had 5 hours of broken sleep. Awesome.
While Steve fed Willow breakfast and played with her, I got an hour’s worth of work in. He had to get ready to leave around 11AM so I went into Willow-mode, all the while making breakfast, cleaning up the main floor, getting laundry on and entertaining Willow. I got Willow down for a nap at 1PM so I jumped into work-mode again but she woke up 45 minutes later. I nursed her back to sleep, jumped back on my computer and got approximately 45 more minutes before she woke up.
Once she woke up, I fed her lunch, played with her for a bit, ate some lunch of my own, got her and I dressed and ready to go out, went to the computer store to get some new RAM for my broken desktop, took her to Chapters to play in the kid’s section, back home for her dinner and I made a macaroni casserole. Luckily my sister stopped by for a visit and she was able to keep an eye on Willow while I cooked dinner, otherwise dinner probably would have been ruined and in the garbage.
Then, we did bath time and she was tired so I thought YAY, might get a break here, so I tried to put her down but she fought me and kept calling for “dada” but alas, he was at work so I fought her while she fought sleep and eventually, I gave up. (No, we don’t do cry it out and no, I don’t want to do that but if you have any other ideas about how to get her to fall asleep on her own, I’m all ears and yes, I’ve read “The No Cry Sleep Solution.”)
Downstairs we went at 8:30PM and I put her in the Jolly Jumper to burn off some energy (yes, she still fits in it!) while I answered some e-mails and watched parts of The Bachelor in the background (holy shit, something that is actually for me slipped into my day!) until Willow grew bored of the jumper and then we read books and I played with her and pulled her around in a box (yep, expensive fun right there!). At around 9:45PM, she started to look sleepy again so upstairs we went for some oatmeal and cuddles and then I fought with her again to try and get her to sleep. FINALLY at 10:25PM, she fell asleep.
I run out of her room, go to the three laundry baskets of clothes in the hallway, begin to fold one, get halfway through before realizing that they must have sat in the washer too long because they have that “sat in the washer too long” smell so I pick up all of the folded laundry, throw it back in the basket and set it in front of the washer to be washed AGAIN. I fold the other two baskets of clothes before checking my e-mail again.
However, I took one look at my e-mail and said, “OVERWHELMED! So, I’ve gotta blog instead” so here I am. The laundry is folded but not put away, dinner is cooked but still sitting on the counter to be put in the fridge, the baby is sleeping but only for the moment and my work keeps piling up.
I realize that my writing went from past to present to future tense throughout all of that but that’s sort of what it is like in my head right now.
I’m so tired that I can’t think straight but instead of being able to go to bed, I NEED to get some work done because my clients have requests, my team has requests and they are all urgent. Plus, Willow will more than likely wake up in the next 30-45 minutes to be nursed back to sleep and well, there is no point in just going to bed, is there?
This post is a total vent-fest and I get that there are other circumstances which are way worse than mine but I’m just having a woe-is-me kind of day and the first night that Steve goes back onto evenings is ALWAYS the toughest so… yeah.
If you have any advice for this stay-at-home, working momma, I’d love to hear it!
(Before you provide advice, here are some things you may want to note… (1) I can’t do daycare as I’m still nursing Willow so I need a nanny… we’re looking for a nanny that has a more reliable schedule so if you know of one, let me know. Yes, our nanny knows this already so if she reads this, she won’t be shocked and appalled… (2) … She’s up so I’ve gotta go.)