Breastfeeding Is Breaking My Bank Account

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I don’t have a defeatist attitude. In fact, tell me that I can’t do something and I’ll do it just to show you I can. Tell me something is impossible and I will find a way.

However, today I am feeling super defeated and I am ready to throw in the towel and say screw it… I just can’t do it anymore.  (Be kind to me… I’ve cried many a tear about this, and other things, today.)

Breastfeeding is breaking my bank account.  In a severe way.

Most new mommas have the luxury of staying home with their babies for a year (in Canada) or twelve weeks (in the US – correct me though if that is incorrect!) to raise them, nurture them and dote on them.  These mommas are able to breastfeed their babies (if they choose to) and they have the time to do so.

Then there’s me.  I fall in the category of self-employed… entrepreneurship… business ownership… whatever you want to call it, it basically boils down to, “Must make own money regardless of what is going on in your life.”

So, I had a baby and I wanted to breastfeed that baby.  We are four months in and breastfeeding has become SUPER easy except for the demands that it places on your time.

I feed Willow on demand which means there is no scheduled nursing here.  I feed her when she is hungry.  Sometimes she comfort nurses because she needs momma snuggles.  Sometimes she’s fussy and the only thing that calms her is nursing.  Sometimes she’s bored and wants to nurse and hear me sing songs.

I love breastfeeding.  I love the bond that comes with it.  I love that it is the one thing that only I can do for my daughter.  I just have SO much guilt around it.

For every hour that I am sitting down breastfeeding Willow, I am being pulled away from work and therefore, being pulled away from earning an income.  Watching my own personal income / revenue deplete after having a baby was totally fine because, well, I just had a baby… but it’s been four months and I still have zero time to actually WORK.

I remember writing a blog post before called something along the lines of, “Don’t Tell Me It’s Going to Suck” where I ranted about people telling me what I wasn’t going to be able to do post-baby and while I don’t want to hear, “I told you so!”, I’m realizing now the merits of what some of those people were talking about.

So, I’m living with my parents (I wrote a blog post on that here) and even with two extra people to help, still don’t find myself having time to work and therefore earn a personal income.  Yes, the business earns an income but I have to pay the people who are doing the majority of the work and these days, that certainly isn’t me.

As I sit here with tears streaming down my face, I’m stuck.  I’m stuck in between being SO incredibly furious that I don’t have the luxury of just ENJOYING the time off with my baby GUILT-FREE and I’m stuck between just throwing the towel in and switching to formula so other people can help me feed her and I’m stuck between just wanting to shove everything else out of the way and nurse my baby and forget that the real world exists.

I’m also so incredibly pissed at feeling stretched and torn apart 99.9% of the time.  Everyone wants a part of me and I have no time to fill myself back up.

All I want is to be able to be a mommy and when I am done with this needy time in my daughter’s life, get back to work but my bank account is not going to let that happen and neither will the clients who are waiting on e-mail replies and the team members who need my support.

More than anything, I’m writing this blog post to hopefully find some answers from those of you who read this blog.  What the hell do I do?!

  • http://twitter.com/WonderMoms_ca Tamara McPherson

    Erin I have advice for you, but they grow up so fast enjoy every moment you have with her as a baby. I know this is not helpful, but looking at my first baby and she is going on 13. I hope you find your balance and Mama do not be too hard on yourself.

  • Anonymous

    I know exactly how you feel. I never had the pleasure of a mat leave and I nursed both of my babies for over a year. I don’t really have a solution for you EXCEPT that looking back on it now I wish that I hadn’t spent as much time as I did stressing about it . Tamara is right – they grow up too fast. I managed to work three full days a week in the early days by pumping and having someone else take care of and feed my babies. That really wasn’t enough for my business, but somehow we made it. At the end of the day – work will always be there, and it will get better. You’re doing the best that you can and that is enough right now – don’t be so hard on yourself.

  • Heather Sweet

    I totally know what you are going through! That being said, I have some advice; but take it with a grain of salt b/c ultimately you will make the best decision for you, Steve, and Willow. First, don’t think for a minute you FAIL if you give Willow formula. I am a breast feeding momma too, and if I needed to give Aven formula I know in the end it is going to be ok. Really, it will. Second, if you have help at home (your parents) while you work from home, you may want to think about pumping and having her go to a bottle for the ~8 hours you work then you get to have your mommy and Willow time at night and on the weekends. I pump 3x a day at work 1x after Aven goes to sleep and before I go to sleep. Then finally 1x at 3am. Do this for a week or so and you should have a good supply built up to put her on a bottle. I know pumping will take time, but really it is faster than nursing. It takes me 10 min to get 5 ounces and Aven takes forever to “finish.” Finally, a scheduled feeding may be right up Willow’s alley. I feed Aven at 630 am then the day care feeds her at 830ish then about every 2.5 hours after that. You are a wonderful Mom and Willow will know you have her best intentions at heart. Hope that was not too bossy…I sometimes sound like that. Take care and breathe ;-) Heather

  • http://twitter.com/craftyb Kelly Cheatle

    Oh Erin- I’ve so been there. Motherhood is about making plans and then accepting when you have to break them. The best thing you can do is weigh your options and pick, and then try not to stress over the path not taken.

    I thought I could work while my kids napped, and not have to send them to day care. I wanted to have an unmedicated labor. I wanted to breastfeed each one for a whole year. I thought I could get them to all put away their toys before they took out another toy.

    Eventually I settled for happy kids, dinner at the table every night (well dinner every night at least), and an ever-overflowing pile of laundry. It’s so not easy. And nobody does it perfectly- the thing is we need to stop trying to pretend that we do!

    Do your best. Ask for help. If it comes down to you guys needing to make money to eat, well, you may need to stop feeding on demand, or maybe switch to formula. You haven’t failed though.

    So wipe your tears woman. You just got your first “What do you mean I can’t have it all” mom badge.

    Speaking of, I have to go drive for 45 minutes to get a little foot x-rayed. (So much for the easy night at home!)

  • Laurie Cantus

    Erin, I feel your pain! I am currently nursing our 4 month old (our third child). I nursed my other two until they weaned themselves too, all while running my business. I totally understand your frustration (and guilt around it!). There will be other things as they grow up that will pull you in the same way, and it’s totally hard. The one thing I can tell you about nursing – my first son was like your daughter – it took him about an hour to nurse, and at times it made me want to give up. I’m not really a “schedule person”, so my boys always just ate when they wanted (or needed to be comforted, or were bored or whatever).

    Anyway, so here’s the good news – sometime between now and 6 months, whenever is time, your little Willow will start to eat solid food. When that starts, it is likely that she will take less time to nurse. Eventually, she will finish her nursing meals in 30, or 15 minutes, and it won’t take so long and seem like such an event. At least, that was my experience.

    So, if you can hang in there for another 2 months or so, you might be feeling better about it. Of course, every child is different.

    Also, something to consider – Giving your baby formula doesn’t mean you have to totally give up nursing. You can always just nurse in the morning and at night (if that’s what you want). As long as you are consistent, your body will continue to provide for whatever the demand is.

    Whatever decision you make, I hope you are able to feel good about it.

    Laurie

  • http://twitter.com/stephdesign Stephanie Smith

    I’m sorry you’re going through a rough patch. Like another comment said, around 6 months you will be able to catch a break, so if you can hang in for 2 more months, it will get easier. Many things get better at 6 months. 1: solids. 2: better sleep schedule 3: you can introduce formula if you want (well you can do this now, but if you’re set on exclusive BFing until 6mths, wait until then). Remember, it doesn’t have to be breastfeeding OR formula… it can be both. Some breastmilk is better than none!

    I totally understand your guilt and frustration. I was lucky enough to start my own business while on mat leave from a “regular” job. I was able to enjoy my mat leave for the first 8 months. The last 4 were brutal with the juggling act I had to pull. I have to admit that a huge part of not having a second child is that as a self-employed family (me AND my husband), we wouldn’t be able to do the juggling act of taking care of a newborn, pre-schooler and work, and I can’t stop working.

    It gets easier. Enjoy Willow. Don’t feel guilty about taking the time with her. If you need to use formula to catch some time to work, do it. It’s not the end of the world. And this is coming from a “lactivist” :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/emilymorgan Emily Morgan

    Erin- how about pumping instead, and having your mom or dad give her a bottle from time to time? That way she’s still getting the milk over formula, but you can do that while you’re @ your desk and still have at least A hand free! :)

    PS- I totally remember your rant post about what can be accomplished post-baby! I’m 4 years in and I can tell you I would be nowhere without having help watching my son- it is truly impossible to work w a kid to watch after, no matter what the age!

  • JC

    have you tried pumping? then other people can feed her?

  • Lisa (JustMe8725 on YT)

    Erin sweetie you’ve got some great replies already – Don’t be too hard on yourself but from this post I think what’s eating you up more is the fact you aren’t ready to quit nursing Willow for personal reasons i.e you like the bond and the you time you & Willow get whilst you feed her.

    I agree with the fellow comments that once Willow starts to wean her demands for nursing will decrease and she’ll want it less often – even for just comfort, she’ll need it less often for comfort reasons the older she gets – are you able to maybe carry on like you are for another while until she weans? I just don’t want you to look back and regret finishing nursing when you’re not ready :( you’ll always have sad memories looking back on your nursing times with her.

    If you really can’t carry on as you are now then maybe do what a LOT of people do and mix feed her – Nurse her first thing in the morning in bed still before you guys get up for the day – formula feed her in a bottle (or pumped milk, but I reckon the pumping will also be just as time consuming as nursing her) then you nurse her again last thing at night before she goes to bed – you can still have that special bond first thing and last thing at night and during the day someone else can feed her via a bottle with formula freeing up your time to work.

    Have you tried a dummy (soother) for the times during the day she just wants to nurse for comfort?

    Just trying to think of as many ideas as possible to help you.

    Hope you’re ok – this parenting lark never gets easier does it xxx

  • http://twitter.com/hourglass1998 Laura Edwards

    I havent read the comments below so someone may have already said this. can you pump and let someone else fed willow this way she still gets breast milk and on demand but you get sometime to do the things you need to do. I dont personally breast feed but admire those who do. Or can you use some of your freezer supplies just to give yourself a short break.

    If you do have to give it up dont be too hard on yourself you’ve done more than most (including myself) so you should feel proud.

  • Violinwidow

    I went through the same thing, trying to run my brand new business, trying to find sewing machine time and online time and baby time. IT DOES GET BETTER!!! I promise you! ((hugs))

  • Rwan

    hey Erin, maybe you can pump and therefore your family members can feed her your breastmilk from a bottle

  • http://twitter.com/karadanedallas sharon

    Hey Erin
    I know exactly how you feel :0( I went through this when Dallas was little. We owned a cafe which was open 7 Days and we have two older kids and Dallas would not take a bottle not even with breast milk. I stopped doing shifts @ the cafe but it still took alot of my time even though I wasn’t there and I was having to pay other people to be me. I was totally consumed with guilt I had stayed at home with the older kids but here I was having to give alot of my attention to the cafe instead of Dallas. I was fitting alot of cafe business in when he was asleep for free cause I wasn’t able to be there. I wanted to be @ the business like I had before but it was impossible. 16 months on we have sold our cafe for quite a good profit. Hubby has a job and I am at home for now. We really miss our cafe but for us it was the right time to sell. I dont have any answers for you but wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I know I wanted to prove that I could do it all and put so much stress on myself when I should have just taken a deep breath. All the best xoxox I hope you find what will work but for you. You have got some great ideas it the comments below!!!!!! “HUGS” Sharon xoxox

  • http://twitter.com/nevesmommy Jody Di Trolio

    Hi Erin,

    Man, do I ever know exactly what you are going through. My circumstances are slightly different, but what we do share in common is the fact that we had babies, are self-employed and are “lactivists”.

    I had Neve on February 26, 2009. I was back in the office when she was 4 days old. I was fortunate enough to be able to take her with me. I would hold her or rock her in her car seat while I did my work. I continued to go to work 2 – 3 days a week until she was about 3 months old.

    By 3 months it was impossible to get anything done while I had her with me, so sadly I made the decision to leave her at home so I could get work done. I pumped every spare moment I had. I am not even kidding a bit. The pump went everywhere I went. I started to build my freezer stock of breast milk about a week before I left her for the first time. I also took Fenugreek to help my supply.

    That routine bought me the time I needed to get to work, get stuff done, then head home. I won’t lie. It is exhausting. But thanks to my pump, freezer bags, and Nonna (she is simply amazing!) we were able to stay exclusively breastfed until 7 months. Once we introduced cereal things got much easier. I was done pumping just before her first birthday. As a co-sleeping family I would breastfeed 2-3 times during the night which helped my supply and also helped me feel better about not nursing while I was at work. As soon as I would get home, I would grab Neve and nurse. Neve is 2 years old now and I am still breastfeeding once a day, just before bed.

    It is possible to do this, but choosing to switch to formula is completely understandable given your circumstances. Like you, we moved in with my hubby’s parents just before Neve was born. Frank had been very ill in late 2008 and I knew that I needed their help. Having them so close is a blessing and I am so grateful to be able to leave Neve and know that she is in great hands.

    That doesn’t help the guilt though. I think most working moms struggle with it. I also get very bitter, very quickly when I hear of women getting mat leaves and having little to no stress during the first year of their childs life. I really feel like I missed alot. My stress level always hovers between 9 & 10… on a scale of 10. I would give almost anything to be able to be at home with my baby and relax, and not worry about what is going on at the office or how we will pay the CRA for the extra staff we have needed.

    Our system definitely fails mothers who are trying to run their own businesses. I do my best to separate work and family time, but admittedly it is a challenge. My moments with Neve aren’t as many as I would like (I am working about 50 hrs a week), but life isn’t perfect. I just try hard to focus on what we do have. Neve is healthy, happy, caring, smart and funny. We still co-sleep, snuggle and breastfeed. Our family is amazing. Our living arrangements make it work for us. We have a sweet granny-flat that we live in which provides the privacy we need.

    Good luck with everything! You definitely aren’t alone, especially with how you feel about the whole situation. Venting is good and sometimes we all need to blow off a little steam!

    • MOMOEINY

      I JUST LOVE YOUR ADIVCE,,ERIN YOU SHOULD READ IT

  • http://twitter.com/GLOSSette Joy

    Hi Erin,

    I’ve read some of the comments and I’m so glad that moms can help each other. I am not a mom so I am not much for advice. I just remember that I was so finicky about eating (aka drinking milk) ever since I was born so my mom had to do something to stop her breast milk and ever since I was 1 month old I had formula (even then I drank so little). You should be proud of yourself that Willow latches on so easily and is in the 90th percentile for her age. I hope as other moms say that after 6 months it will get better.

    xoxo

  • Cbrooks923

    Honestly, you have been breastfeeding for 4 months which is something to be incredibly proud of. My baby had troubles, and I couldnt keep my milk supply up so i could only do it for 2 weeks :( I felt awful giving him formula but he is doing absolutely fine…4 months is a major accomplishment and although it is the best thing for them, it seems to me that you really have a valid reason to switch to formula. You need to do what is best for your whole family INCLUDING yourself and not just Willow..in the long run, putting more time into your company means more money which means more things and opportunities for Willow. so it wont be the worst thing in the world to give her formula. Formula companies have really stepped up and they make some formula as close to “like breastmilk” as possible! She will still be the cute happy baby that she is, breastmilk or not. :) You are a great mom from what I can see on Youtube ( I watch you every day) and she is going to look back at these videos and be like “wow I have the best mom in the world” shes not gonna be like “you suck. you only breastfed me for 4 months!”

  • http://twitter.com/DroolMama Kathleen

    With an active 2yo and a nursing 3 week old at home with me I have no time to do any work. So I feel your frustration there. I thought the tips you got about pumping and having your helping hands around feed Willow were great! Otherwise, if you can hang on until you get to that six month mark it will get easier. Someone can feed her solids and you’ll start to get longer stretches and she should be on a good and predictable nap schedule by then. I started my business when my Son was 6 months old…. so work time can be found… eventually :)

  • Amy_girl83

    I might be a little late on this but Erin you are a fabulous mom and obviously put your needs after Willows. That being said…..

    Some people here have said to try pumping. Well that does not answer the matter of Willow needs her mommy for cuddles and comfort and sometimes ONLY mom will do. Not to mention the fact that pumping takes soooo long. What about half and half? You could work on getting Willow on a schedule to be BF in the Morning and night and formula fed in between. I understand how hard scheduling a baby can be (my 4 month old son directs our schedule) but it only takes a couple weeks to get there. Do you have a person who can be in charge of her for 3 hours at a time? She will still get the nutritional benefits of BFing but give you some flexibility.

    Weather it’s toys on the floor, poop on the wall or a baby STILL sleeping in my bed I always say to myself “Is this something that will make a difference when he is ten years old?”.

  • Ruth

    Hey Erin, Just saw your blog now. What do you do?…Honey give yourself a break!!

    Now I’m only pg on my first so you can totally disregard my comments as I’ve no idea what life is like post birth!

    I have to say the greatest challegne for me so far was realising I’m not superwoman. I tried to keep going as normal until my body said “Enough”! My job (whilst not self employed) is very demanding/sterssful – there’s no time to excuse yourself from anything cause you’re pregnant – that definately wouldn’t go down well!.

    Find your balance. The best way for you to live without feeling so upset and guilty. It might mean being available to your work life at certain times or only for a certain length of time so that you can concentrate solely on family life when you’re there. Could be some completly different senario altogether ;)

    I really admire your positive outlook in your videos & you’ve done so well breastfeeding Willow for four months already! It is vital that you fill yourself back up though, you’ll be no use to anyone when you feel like you’re running on empty.

    I wish you the best of luck – I know you’ll be able to find your way. :)

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_GWSXFTIBUP77VPMYXJ2D4LT4MQ Stephanie

    I know how you feel. As long as you have help for real, the newer formulas they have now won’t hurt, but I found that feeding formula which I ended up having to do for one of my girls, was harder than breast. If I could do it over I’d pump and let someone feed her pumped milk. But having said that you have to do what you need to do for your family.

  • Coz

    Wow parenthood comes with guilt hey! I have certainly found that in the past nine months since having my baby. It’s SO hard to balance the physical and emotional needs you and your baby have. Stopping breastfeeding won’t end the guilt though, well at least it didn’t for me, I really struggled with guilt after stopping. Have you looked into nursing in a sling? Would you be able to work while you did this? Either way whatever decision you have to come to, you’ve done so well, and will continue to love beyond words your baby, that won’t change for anything.

  • http://www.lesliefair.com Leslierpalombo

    Aww Erin! I know what you mean. I am self employed and had my son on 1/11/11. I went back to work taking clients part time in mid-March. My son refuses to take formula, and until a week ago he wouldn’t take a bottle even if it was pumped breast milk! Here’s what worked for me: at first I would only leave him for 4 hours (and he would refuse the bottle of breast milk but the sitter always tried), this was enough for me to get the absolutely necessary work done. It was really heart wrenching at first, but then I began to remember that I love what I do and I like feeling successful in my business so I started to appreciate the me time. Also, I would tell myself that 4 hours isn’t that long, and my baby will not starve himself. Another thing I do is bring him on location with me and have a nanny watch him while I am with clients. He finally has just begun to drink a bottle and so now I can leave him for a tiny bit longer than 4 hours. As far as pumping breast milk goes, I took fenugreek for a few days and would pump at around 11PM and store the milk for the next day. At first I didn’t get much milk, but after several days my body responded and I can get any where from 4-6oz. milk in about 5-10 minutes. The fenugreek was a lifesaver! A girlfriend of mine also recommended wearing a sports bra while pumping to hold the pump in place (you just have to cut two small incisions to fit the pump through). For some reason this helped the suction stay in place better. Hope this helps! I love watching your vlogs- I feel like we have a lot in common. Keep up the good work :) I find being a new mom kinda isolating at times, and it is definitely challenging to redefine myself and balance business owner, wife, and mom. Especially when all I want to do is cherish this time because it seems like it just slips through my fingers.

  • Elesha_jb

    Erin Pumping is so time consuming, with my third ( my twins were formula fed after colostrum and you would not belive this but there healthy bright boys) I did both as I worked from home in hairdressing. So I feed him when It was us two and formula fed if I was working. At 6 months he was sick of me and just wanted the bottle so I stopped bf then. He once again is a happy healthy 15 mnth old. THe one thing I do know is the going between part in making a choice regarding feeding is enough to make you mental. But once you decide and just to it, in a few days your like Ahhh what was all the fuss about. You will love the extra help and you can still nurse in between. Good luck.

  • Jill F

    Have you tried a pacifier? I’ve been bf’ing 2 months now and the pacifier has not confused her as far as latching goes.

  • Kyra Hatter

    Hi Erin,

    I just saw your blog while I was on LinkedIn, so I am going to take a break to comment. So first of all you are a super mom I hope you know. Your blog sounds a lot like me when I had my daughter with a couple of differences. First, I was still in corporate American and I had to go back to work after 6 weeks :( and we went through about three daycares (home and center). So, here goes…a mommy has to do what a mommy has to do. Your business provides income to your household, so first you need to determine how many hours you need to work a day in order to make a healthy profit. You have bit more flexibility because you can tailor your schedule (as opposed to being away from her for the entire day). So, when you determine how many hours a day, you can split it up into 3 time blocks. You can work early before Willow wakes up. You can take your first break once she wakes up to feed and play with her. Then she can hang out with family members. Note: You will have to pump and let other family members feed her (she will resist at first, but about a week into in it she will be fine). With that being said you will have to pump while you work (no worries, since you are at home). I am not sure if you have started looking at pumps but here are a couple for you. I have used the Medela and the Lansinoh. I liked the Medela the most. You need a double pump to maximize on the amount of milk you get per pump. http://www.breastpumps.com/. Then you can take a lunch time break and feed Willow and eat yourself. Then this will be the longest stretch between feedings because I would say the next time you feed her is when she ready to go down for the night (if she sleeps through the night yet). This will still give you two the downtime together and it will help you wind down from the day.

    I did this with both of my kiddies, now 5 and 3 for about 9 months (total) while I still worked in Coporate America. I pumped in a very large bathroom (that locked) and a large closet at my job.

    The first baby is hard to start this, but I promise it gets easier. She will get used to the schedule and so will you.

    I hope this helps!

    With tons of mommy love,

    Kyra

  • Carley (nursecarlz – youtube)

    A lot has been said about pumping, but I exclusively pump, have done so for 7 months and it is by no means easier. Probably harder. The ONLY upside being someone else can feed my boy, if I could even call that an upside, because I love feeding him.
    I think someone else said this, but when I was putting my son to the breast (birth to 3 weeks old) he was on a schedule and still is. This did not affect my milk supply, he gained weight and is/was a happy baby (most of the time!). Willow won’t be missing out on anything by nursing her on a schedule.
    You are doing an awesome job!

  • Empena03

    Hey Erin,

    I would suggest to start introducing little Willow to formula for those days it becomes hard and maybe do like one feeding of formula for ur work hours. I think it would be convenient bc you will not unlatch her but just give your self time and it will just be one a day. I admire you still breast feedings, I couldn’t because it was messing with my horomones.

    Best of luck,

    Emily

  • Jennifer

    I can relate to your story. My son if four months now and he won’t sleep unless I nurse him to sleep. And if I nurse him to sleep, I have to hold him in my arms…until he wakes up. If I put him down or move him, he cries for more ‘boobie’. Breastfeeding on his terms is EXHAUSTING! 
    I have to admit, I do it all because of the benefits he gets. I keep meaning to wean him but I can’t imagine what kind of baby he’d be if he couldn’t be soothed in the only way he knows how.