If you’ve been online, you’ve undoubtedly seen the TIME’s breastfeeding cover.  It is a controversial one and it has ALL of the opinions of the Internet coming out – for better and for worse.

The cover, to me, was simply shot for ultimate shock value and to sell magazines (why else would this boy be standing on a chair to nurse?) but I take zero issue with the extended breastfeeding happening on the magazine cover.

I am still nursing my nearly eighteen month old daughter Willow.  It is a relationship that I cherish and could not picture my days without this being a part of it.  She loves it too.  She will walk over to me and sign/say “more” and when I ask, “More what Willow?” she looks at me and says, “More momma.”  At night, she will walk over to the rocking chair in her room, pat the seat and say, “On. Momma, on” and she knows that I will sit down, scoop her up and nurse her to sleep for the thousandth time.

When she falls or gets a little bump, I nurse her to calm her down.  When we were in the children’s hospital and she was in tachycardia (her heart rate was 225bpm), I told the hospital staff to let me nurse her and it brought her heart rate down to normal and potentially saved her from a scary situation.  In short, it’s a situation that I am incredibly happy to be in and to be honest, I can not even imagine navigating parenthood without breastfeeding.

A cover like this one brings out some very interesting opinions.  Opinions that make me really sad.  It makes me sad because I like to think that our society is evolving, is open and is accepting.  However, not all people are.  In the issue of extended breastfeeding, it seems that a lot of people are extremely opinionated and the majority of those opinions are coming from people who have never breastfed, who have never done extended breastfeeding and who simply sit back and apply a label.  Apply an opinion.  Apply a judgement.

I could go on and on in anger about people’s opinions but it won’t change anything.  I simply ask that if you are one of those people who think breastfeeding past the age of one is “gross” or “incestual” or “wrong” and if you believe in silly sayings like, “When your baby gets teeth, wean them off the boob” or “If they can ask for it, it’s no longer acceptable”, take stop for a moment, ask yourself why and reconsider.  Consider alternate viewpoints and think about you and your children (or your family if you do not have children).  Think about all of the things you do in your day, decisions you make for the well-being of your child and ask yourself, “How would I feel if I were scrutinized?”

Wake up tomorrow with the notion that you will be a more loving, accepting and open-minded individual and see what happens.  It may very well surprise you.

In three days from now, I’ll celebrate a milestone with my wee Willow.  We will have made it to 17 months breastfeeding.  As I write that, I’m filled with a mix of emotions.  I’m so proud of myself yet I’m also a little exhausted just thinking about it.  Breastfeeding and practicing attachment parenting while running a company and maintaining an active social life is HARD WORK!

Over the past 17 months, I’ve nursed my child to sleep every single time (except for a handful of times when I was away from her), I’ve nursed her every single time she hurt herself, I’ve nursed her when she was sick, I’ve nursed her when she needed a little cuddle and I’ve nursed her when she first signed “more” and later asked for mama.

I’ve nursed her on a plane numerous times, in doctor’s offices, in parks, in a movie theatre, in the front and back seat of my car, in Wal-Mart, in a mall, while sitting at my desk working, in restaurants and anywhere else the need to feed my child arose.

I have slathered my nipples in Jack Newman’s breastfeeding ointment more times than I can count, I’ve suffered through “rusty pipe syndrome”, worried about foremilk/hindmilk imbalances, spent hours trying to wake my sleepy newborn to eat, dealt with growth spurts/cluster feeding, navigated through proper latches and different feeding positions, wore nipple shields, pumped for hours and dealt with opinions from strangers on the way I am feeding my child (mostly good, some not so good).

But now, at 17 months, I wonder if we’ve reached our end.

Willow, for the past week or so, has started biting me nearly every feeding.  She seems way less interested in nursing and will only nurse for a few minutes before getting bored and moving on.  The only nursing sessions that she actually does well with are those right before bed.  Otherwise, she’s turned into an “angry nurser” and it’s killing both my spirits and my nipples.

I’ve done all kinds of things to get the biting to stop: I’ve tried removing her before she gets to the “done eating, play now” phase, I’ve unlatched her and told her no while setting her down, I’ve tried pushing her face (gently) into my breast when she bites so that she experiences something unpleasant after she bites but I’m seriously at a loss here.

It used to be that she’d nurse while we co-slept and those sessions were peaceful and always amongst my favourite. Now those sessions are horrendous for my nipples as she pulls back (with my nipple still in her mouth), bites and creates a super lazy latch, which causes problems for me.

So I’m not really sure what to do.  Is it time to wean her?  Is this her way of saying that she’s no longer interested in nursing?  Or, is this just a passing phase?  My goal was to nurse her until she was 2 years old but at this point, I don’t even want to nurse her one more time.  I think I might be reaching my breaking point too (and I know this to be true because writing that phrase six months ago would have induced tears for me… now it almost induces relief).

The only thing I’m worried about is that if I do wean her, how the heck do I get her to sleep?  We’ve only ever nursed her to sleep so I have no idea what I would do there.

Leave some advice, if you have any, in the comments!  I really need to know if this is normal behavior, how to get through it or if you think that she might be ready to just wean from nursing.  Thanks in advance!

I’m an overachiever. Always have been, always will be. It takes a lot for me to raise a white flag and declare that I’m sinking. That I need help. That I don’t know what to do. Admitting that I can’t problem solve my way out of a mess is really, really difficult for me but here I am. I need help.

Today was a difficult day… but before I explain to you about my difficult day, let me first tell you the brief synopsis of who I am in case this is your first time here.  My name is Erin, I own a company (started it when I was 21, been at it for 8 years now), I have a 13 month old daughter named Willow, I’ve been married since 2005 to my best friend and I like to stay active and social.

Okay.  Now that you know who I am, let me tell you about why I am sitting here blogging right now instead of tackling my massive to-do list, e-mailing clients, putting away that laundry I just folded, putting dinner away or… well… any of the other hundred things I could be doing.

I’m blogging right now, instead of doing all of that, because I don’t know what to do really.  I am paralyzed by the thought of my next step and I am feeling so overwhelmed that thinking I’ll ever get out from this overwhelm is a little bit of a fantasy at the moment.

Today was a difficult day.  My nanny, who is also a supply teacher, got called in to supply teach, which left me without her help for the day.  Then, Steve started back on evenings and he had appointments this morning, which meant that I was solely responsible for Willow for most of the entire morning, afternoon and evening.  HUGE props to single mommas everywhere… I don’t know how you do it and maintain sanity.  Before you jump down my throat about, “Wow, you have to look after your own kid for the day?  That’s tough?” let me finish.

I also was up until 4AM the night before working on client work.  I went to bed and woke up at least twice before 9:30AM to nurse Willow.  I got out of bed at 9:45AM.  So, I had 5 hours of broken sleep.  Awesome.

While Steve fed Willow breakfast and played with her, I got an hour’s worth of work in.  He had to get ready to leave around 11AM so I went into Willow-mode, all the while making breakfast, cleaning up the main floor, getting laundry on and entertaining Willow.  I got Willow down for a nap at 1PM so I jumped into work-mode again but she woke up 45 minutes later.  I nursed her back to sleep, jumped back on my computer and got approximately 45 more minutes before she woke up.

Once she woke up, I fed her lunch, played with her for a bit, ate some lunch of my own, got her and I dressed and ready to go out, went to the computer store to get some new RAM for my broken desktop, took her to Chapters to play in the kid’s section, back home for her dinner and I made a macaroni casserole.  Luckily my sister stopped by for a visit and she was able to keep an eye on Willow while I cooked dinner, otherwise dinner probably would have been ruined and in the garbage.

Then, we did bath time and she was tired so I thought YAY, might get a break here, so I tried to put her down but she fought me and kept calling for “dada” but alas, he was at work so I fought her while she fought sleep and eventually, I gave up.  (No, we don’t do cry it out and no, I don’t want to do that but if you have any other ideas about how to get her to fall asleep on her own, I’m all ears and yes, I’ve read “The No Cry Sleep Solution.”)

Downstairs we went at 8:30PM and I put her in the Jolly Jumper to burn off some energy (yes, she still fits in it!) while I answered some e-mails and watched parts of The Bachelor in the background (holy shit, something that is actually for me slipped into my day!) until Willow grew bored of the jumper and then we read books and I played with her and pulled her around in a box (yep, expensive fun right there!).  At around 9:45PM, she started to look sleepy again so upstairs we went for some oatmeal and cuddles and then I fought with her again to try and get her to sleep.  FINALLY at 10:25PM, she fell asleep.

I run out of her room, go to the three laundry baskets of clothes in the hallway, begin to fold one, get halfway through before realizing that they must have sat in the washer too long because they have that “sat in the washer too long” smell so I pick up all of the folded laundry, throw it back in the basket and set it in front of the washer to be washed AGAIN.  I fold the other two baskets of clothes before checking my e-mail again.

However, I took one look at my e-mail and said, “OVERWHELMED!  So, I’ve gotta blog instead” so here I am.  The laundry is folded but not put away, dinner is cooked but still sitting on the counter to be put in the fridge, the baby is sleeping but only for the moment and my work keeps piling up.

I realize that my writing went from past to present to future tense throughout all of that but that’s sort of what it is like in my head right now.

I’m so tired that I can’t think straight but instead of being able to go to bed, I NEED to get some work done because my clients have requests, my team has requests and they are all urgent.  Plus, Willow will more than likely wake up in the next 30-45 minutes to be nursed back to sleep and well, there is no point in just going to bed, is there?

This post is a total vent-fest and I get that there are other circumstances which are way worse than mine but I’m just having a woe-is-me kind of day and the first night that Steve goes back onto evenings is ALWAYS the toughest so… yeah.

If you have any advice for this stay-at-home, working momma, I’d love to hear it!

(Before you provide advice, here are some things you may want to note… (1) I can’t do daycare as I’m still nursing Willow so I need a nanny… we’re looking for a nanny that has a more reliable schedule so if you know of one, let me know.  Yes, our nanny knows this already so if she reads this, she won’t be shocked and appalled… (2) … She’s up so I’ve gotta go.)

Here is the transcript of this video:

This past Thursday, January 5, 2012, we noticed that my daughter had a bit of a white patch on her mouth. After taking a look at it closely, I diagnosed it as being more than likely thrush and I called her pediatrician. My daughter’s pediatrician was not available that day but the nurse recommended that I go to the after care clinic and she gave me the name and telephone number of Dr. Andre Engels here in Ottawa. I called, made an appointment for that evening at 7:15pm and my husband and I brought our daughter there.

Dr. Engels seemed like a really nice doctor. He was sweet with Willow, looked at the photographs I had taken of her mouth and looked inside of her mouth and agreed with my diagnosis. Willow did indeed have thrush. He spent some time admiring my camera and telling me that it took great pictures while my husband got Willow ready to leave the office.

After Dr. Engels wrote the prescription for an anti-fungal medication for Willow, I began telling him how fortunate we were that in thirteen months of breastfeeding, this was the only issue we had experienced. Dr. Engels then looked at his chart and back to me and said (and I quote word for word), “So, is it true that you plan on breastfeeding her until she is in high school?” I was incredibly thrown by his comments and was unable to respond so, sensing the discomfort in the room I am sure, he turned to Steve and said, “Well, at least it is legal in Ontario.”

He left the room and Steve and I turned to each other but we could barely speak as I am pretty sure we were both in shock. You see, you expect judgment on certain parenting choices from friends, family, the general public, etc. but you never expect it from a pediatrician. I was stunned because I had assumed that the doctor would be pleased that we were able to breastfeed and that it had been so successful thus far. I was not expecting to get this type of reaction from someone in the medical profession.

So, here I am. I am writing this open letter, and will also share it with my YouTube community, because I hope that it helps another mother who finds herself in that situation. You see, I was frozen and couldn’t speak because I had my guard down in that office. Normally, when breastfeeding in public, I am always on edge and ready with my rebuttals should someone say something to me about breastfeeding my daughter. Any breastfeeding mother can relate to this. However, in the safety net of the pediatrician’s office, I had assumed that my continued breastfeeding would be accepted – not ridiculed. I am going to share with you some facts about breastfeeding so that if you ever find yourself in a situation where someone questions your choice to feed your daughter or son by breast, that you have something to say in return because I sure wish I had been able to say any of these things in response.

Mostly though, I am hoping that Dr. Engels has an opportunity to read this, or watch my video, and understand the impact that he had on somebody who wasn’t his patient and who was in his life for only a fleeting moment. I want him to know that words have strength and weight and should not just be said in an off the cuff manner. If another mother found herself in that situation, and was not as confident in her decisions as I was, she might leave his office and feel embarrassed or feel like she was doing something wrong. She might stop breastfeeding after that, even if she was not intending to.

If you, reading or watching this, have ever thought it was weird or odd or different for a mother to breastfeed her child past the age of one, I am hoping that this video helps you to understand the benefits and why mothers do breastfeed for an extended period of time. I think that people in general are more approving, less judgmental and more understanding when they are armed with information.

Many people have asked me, “Could the doctor have been joking?” and no, he wasn’t. Even if he were, it was still an extremely distasteful and ignorant joke. Other people have said, “Well, not everyone thinks that breastfeeding past one is acceptable” and no, not everyone thinks that, nor do they need to, but when you are in the medical profession, you generally keep your own personal opinion out of it and stick to facts that can be backed up with scientific research or medical fact. Having the opinion that extended breastfeeding is weird or asking someone if they plan to do it to an absurd age is not based on medical fact or scientific research. What this doctor asked me is offensive and very unprofessional.

Before I go into the facts about breastfeeding, I feel that it is very important for me to state Section 1 of the Human Rights Code, RSO 1990, c H.19, which states, Every person has a right to equal treatment with respect to services, goods and facilities, without discrimination because of race, ancestry, place of origin, colour, ethnic origin, citizenship, creed, sex, sexual orientation, age, marital status, family status or disability. The Ontario Human Rights Commission’s position is that the obligation not to discriminate on the basis of ‘sex’ includes an obligation not to discriminate on the basis of pregnancy, breastfeeding and gender identity.

This legal obligation is reflected in guidance contained in the Canadian Medical Association’s Code of Ethics, paragraph 17.

http://www.cpso.on.ca/uploadedFiles/downloads/cpsodocuments/policies/policies/human_rights.pdf

The experience that I had with this doctor is not simply an issue where I was insulted – this is an issue where I was denied my civil rights.

I want this text / video to contain education that will help others understand more about the benefits of extended breastfeeding so let me share those with you now.

Health Canada recommends the following: Encourage exclusive breastfeeding for the first 6 months of life, as breast milk is the best food for optimal growth. Breastfeeding may continue for up to 2 years and beyond.

http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/fn-an/pubs/infant-nourrisson/nut_infant_nourrisson_term_1-eng.php#summary

The World Health Organization recommends exclusive breastfeeding for the first six months of life. At six months, other foods should complement breastfeeding for up to two years or more.

WHO also states that breastmilk is the ideal food for newborns and infants. It gives infants all the nutrients they need for healthy development. It is safe and contains antibodies that help protect infants from common childhood illnesses such as diarrhoea and pneumonia.

WHO states that beyond the immediate benefits for children, breastfeeding contributes to a lifetime of good health. Adults who were breastfed as babies often have lower blood pressure and lower cholesterol, as well as lower rates of overweight, obesity and type-2 diabetes.

WHO states that breastfeeding should not be decreased when starting complementary feeding.

http://www.who.int/features/factfiles/breastfeeding/en/

A Dewey 2011 reference states that in the second year (12-23 months), 448ml of breastmilk provides: 29% of energy requirements, 43% of protein requirements, 36% of calcium requirements, 75% of vitamin A requirements, 76% of folate requirements, 94% of vitamin B12 requirements and 60% of vitamin C requirements.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, the role of pediatricians and other health care professionals should be to protect, promote and support breastfeeding enthusiastically and, in consideration of the extensively published evidence for improved health and developmental outcomes in breastfed infants and their mothers, a strong position on behalf of breastfeeding is warranted.

The AAP also states that pediatricians should promote breastfeeding as a cultural norm and encourage family and societal support for breastfeeding. They also need to recognize the effect of cultural diversity on breastfeeding attitudes and practices and encourage variations that effectively promote and support breastfeeding.

http://aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/pediatrics;115/2/496

The sad part is that, in a study performed by the American Academy of Pediatrics, which involved a survey sent to 1602 active Fellows of the AAP, only 65% of the pediatricians surveyed recommended exclusive breastfeeding for the first month of life. Only 37% of pediatricians recommended breastfeeding for 1 year. The majority of the pediatricians surveyed had also not attended a presentation on breastfeeding in the previous three years however most said that they did want more education on breastfeeding. They concluded that pediatricians have significant educational needs in the area of breastfeeding.

http://www.pediatricsdigest.mobi/content/103/3/e35.full

Things need to change. My experience is unfortunately one of many. The attitude that our society has toward breastfeeding, and more prevalent to my experience, extended breastfeeding, is narrow. We especially need to work on creating more education for pediatricians and providing them with ample access to lactation consultants who can advise on such issues.

I hope this video reaches a mother who, like me, was ridiculed for breastfeeding past one year and I hope that it helps her realize that her decision is the right one. I hope it also provides other mothers with information that they can use to present to their pediatrician should an issue ever come up.

And to Dr. Engels, should you ever see this video, I would really appreciate knowing why you chose those words that evening and what your intentions were behind saying them. What made you think that breastfeeding my 13 month old daughter meant that I would breastfeed her until she was in high school? How do you support other breastfeeding mothers? What part of me breastfeeding my daughter is “legal in Ontario”? I have so many unanswered questions about our interaction and I’m hoping that this helps me receive answers.

This weekend, I cleaned my house.

Now, to some of you, this might be a regular occurrence.  You might see that mop bucket and mop head more than once a month.  You might even be close friends (or at least good acquaintances) with a Windex, Mr. Clean or Fantastik bottle.  Unless of course you are eco-friendly and use some mixture of water and vinegar — you just might have THAT in your address book.

Cleaning and I have a love/hate relationship.  We are totes mcgotes frenemies.

I love a clean house.  You know that smell that you can smell the moment you walk in your door and it makes you excited about the fact that your house just might be germ-free and guest-presentable now?  I live for that smell.

On the flip side, cleaning my house makes me bat shit crazy and for that, I hate cleaning.  Let me give you an example of why cleaning makes my better judgement jump out of my head and parachute down some slippery slope lined with sentiments of “we’re out of here and off to grab a bottle of Naked Grape, see ya!”

This weekend, I cleaned my house.  I know, I know, I said that already.  But it has great weight in why I am writing this post.  So, I cleaned the house — got the bathrooms cleaned, the extreme amount of toys put away properly, the laundry done and folded AND put away (huge, huge, miracle feat) and I was feeling pretty good about it all.

I felt pretty awesome about my clean house, which by the way I had to do around my thirteen month old daughter who thought me filling up the tub to clean it meant a bath so she continuously threw toys into the semi-filled tub as I attempted to wipe the toilet clean all while “explaining” to her that cleaning products and babies did not mix well together, until I noticed the dishes my husband left in the sink.

Now ladies, you will understand the moment you read that sentence why I bolded that line.  It’s sort of like walking into a grocery store, going into the aisle where the shelf stocker is currently working and letting your two year old run rampant at the end of the aisle the worker started on.  All those nice neat boxes, lined up with OCD precision, will NOT withstand the force that is your two year old leaving the shelf stocker debating between quitting their job or hanging your child up by their pants on a coat hook in the back room.

When my house is clean and I’ve spent FOR ETERNITY cleaning my house, my OCD tends to be at an all-time high.  Naturally, I saw the dishes and I freaked.  I am fairly sure that I began to twitch.

Fast forward a few days later (you all really don’t need to know the details of what happened in between) and I have begun to wonder — what the hell is it about a clean house that makes me so freaking crazy?  I swear to God that I am, on my good days, a fairly calm person who doesn’t mind dirty dishes in the sink but once I’ve cleaned the house, my “other” personality comes out in full force.  I think I might have figured it out.

My life, most days, feels like an endless parade of chaos.  I have so much to do and so much on my to do lists that nothing ever feels accomplished.  Most days, I live with this fact, accept it and move on.  However, when I am cleaning my house, I get this sense of order and of accomplishment and “holy shit I actually DID something with my day instead of going to bed and wondering what the hell did I do all day and why am I so freaking exhausted?”

It’s THAT feeling, the sense of order, that makes me crazy.  When my husband leaves his dirty dishes in the sink, I hone in on it and my tracker beam goes up and I get all, “WARNING WARNING SYSTEMS CAN NOT COMPUTE” and I feel like my brain is blown into bits because the chaos is slipping back in and threatening to become my norm again.

I think if I can ever figure out a way to keep all of the scales of my life balanced — work, home life, family, relationships — perhaps maybe I won’t feel like a nuclear bomb was just dropped into my kitchen sink and the remnants of a chaos-free life are splattered over my face.  Maybe.

Or, and this is probably more likely, maybe I just really am bat shit crazy.

I was looking for something totally easy yet yummy for dinner tonight so I decided to make orzo with mushrooms and steamed broccoli.  I found a recipe on AllRecipes.com but I modified it to suit my own family.  Also, instead of making this a side dish, we made enough to eat as a meal.

Here’s what you’ll need:

• 2 cups of uncooked orzo pasta
• 2 cups of water
• 1 cup of chicken broth (you can use white wine as well – I just didn’t have any)
• 3 cloves of garlic
• 1 package of sliced white mushrooms
• 1/2 cup of butter
• 2-3 teaspoons of Italian seasoning
• 1/2 cup Parmesan cheese

Add the butter to a skillet, on medium high, and add the mushrooms and uncooked orzo.  Once the mushrooms get a little soft, add the water and the chicken broth.  Let it come to a boil and them reduce to simmering.  Season with salt, pepper, Italian seasoning and add the garlic, putting it through your garlic press.  Cook for 7-10 minutes until al dente or cook it to how you enjoy your pasta.

While it’s cooking, get some frozen (or fresh) broccoli and add it to a pot with a bit of water and a steamer.  Let the broccoli steam while the orzo finishes cooking.  They take more or less the same amount of time to cook.

You’ll know that the orzo is ready when most of the water has been absorbed.  Stir in the Parmesan cheese and cover to allow the remaining water to absorb.  Turn your heat off, get your broccoli into a separate bowl and allow people to grab some orzo and add as much, or as little, broccoli as they want!

Enjoy.

Super simple to make!

I used 1 pork tenderloin cut in half (cut the other one in half too but froze for later). It’s just the two of us so I portion out all of our meat.

You will need Italian seasoned breadcrumbs or, you can do like I do and buy the whole wheat bread crumbs and season them myself with Garlic Plus and Italian seasoning. It is 2 cups of bread crumbs for TWO pieces so I just use 1 cup.

You will also need olive oil. I use extra virgin.

Defrost your pork (or cook after purchasing it). Then, in a bowl, add your bread crumbs. In a shallow bowl, add some olive oil. Use less to start and add as needed.

Preheat oven to 425.

Take your pork, roll it around in the olive oil and then in the bread crumbs, coating it well. Make sure there is no pink and try to get a nice, thick coating on the meat – about 1/3 of an inch thick.

Bake meat on a shallow cookie sheet for about 35 minutes making sure that there is no pink left when the pork is cut.

Remove from oven and let stand for 10 minutes before cutting it into medallions. (Slice into evenly cut pieces.)

Enjoy!

I’m in pure survival mode right now.

I haven’t been able to do vlogs or respond to vlog comments… I haven’t had time to watch my favorite TV shows (except for True Blood because seriously, a girl NEEDS her vamp fix)… I have barely had time to shower.

Why?

Well… I’m crushing it (to borrow a Gary Vee term)…

Not by choice.  Certainly I wouldn’t be running through this insane schedule of wake, work, Willow, work, sleep for three-four hours, wake, work, etc., etc. by CHOICE.  I mean, I did this sort of crazy ass schedule before I had Willow but it’s much different when you want to because you are young and have zero commitments and yada yada versus being older, with a baby and working to reach what feels like an insane goal.

You see… we bought our first house.  Remember when I was FREAKING OUT about the whole bank situation?  Well, I got over it and we found a house we love and the bank approved us and we close on the house in November but…

and yes, there is a GIANT EFFING BUT…

Not only do we need our down payment, which we have saved, but we also need other monies for other things and it totals like a bajillion dollars.  Okay… not really a bajillion but I don’t want to say exactly how much because I don’t want to induce my stress onto you.

Let’s just say that it’s a lot.

So… I’ve been busting my bum working like a crazy fool to attempt to earn all of the money we need to earn prior to closing.  These were mostly unforeseen costs… things we weren’t expecting… so it was shocking but seriously, you can’t go back on your dream house just because this little (I mean FREAKING GIANT) mountain is in front of you… right?!

So yeah.  I’ve been insane.  Which is why I haven’t been making vlogs on my YouTube video. :*(

Once we get through the next two months (TWO MONTHS TODAY – YAY!), I’ll be a more doting and attentive friend… I’ll be a better vlogger… I’ll be NORMAL and SANE and CALM.  Right now I am crazy.

Somehow though, I am keeping it (mostly) together.  I think it’s knowing that we will do it… we will have every penny earned prior to November 8.  It’s the thought process that… well… we don’t really have a choice!!

So, love me anyway while we get through this crazy, chaotic time and if you have any suggestions on where I can find a bajillion dollars quickly, lemme know haha

xo

Willow is a fantastic baby and no, I am not just saying that because I am her mother — she really is a fantastic baby with an over the top personality.  BUT, and there is a but, the girl definitely knows how to shake things up and drain the energy from her two loving parents at times.

After trying to put Willow to sleep at 7:30pm and failing, I took her for a walk in the carrier to see if the fresh air would calm her down.  We walked for about thirty to forty-five minutes before heading back home to try operation fall asleep again.  This time, she fell asleep rather quickly and I was thinking, “WOOHOO! Bachelor Pad time!” (Yes, an insanely guilty pleasure of mine…)

Thirty-five minutes later, she fussed herself awake so Steve went in to calm her down… no luck, so I went in.  Nursed her to what I thought was “back to sleep” but when I unlatched her, she came awake and was angry.  Super angry.  Fast forward to an hour and a bit later (and some gripe water for the gas she had and a clean diaper in case that was bothering her), we were back in bed again and nursing her back to sleep.  I get her to sleep by ten forty-five, leave the room, sit at my desk and BAM, awake again.  As I’m nursing her back to sleep for the fourth time, I’m thinking to myself, “Is this normal?  Do I need to submit to cry-it-out?  Where have I gone wrong in getting my child to sleep at night?!”

So, I do what any responsible and intelligent parent does — I Google, “wide awake baby at night.”  I sift through a few of the articles and see the phrase, “high needs baby” … I am intrigued so I Google that term.  The first article that pops up is an article from Dr. Sears called, “12 Features of a High Needs Baby.”  As I read the article, my eyes are wide and I wish I could wake Steve up to tell him that I just figured out why our daughter was so… well… her.

For anyone who is around Willow, for anyone who cares for Willow and for other parents with high needs babies who want to hear our experience, read on…  This is going to shed SO much light on why she is the way she is.

The following explains the 12 characteristics of a high needs baby and I’ve grabbed the very basic summary of each point.  I also share with you how Willow “fits the bill” so to speak.  If you don’t know Willow, this part may be boring so just read the summaries of each characteristic instead.

“INTENSE”

“The cry of a high need baby is not a mere request, it’s an urgent demand. These babies put more energy into everything they do.”

“Intense babies become the intense toddlers, characterized by one word — “driven.” They seem in high gear all the time. Their drive to explore and experiment with everything in reach leaves no household item safe.”

Willow is a lot like her momma in this regard.  I tend to jump into whatever I am focusing on full force and I don’t let much get in my way.  Willow is a lot like me (in fact, we’re both Sagittarians, which is even more trouble! haha) If you walk out of the room while Willow is in her exersaucer or playing on the floor, she’ll yell at you to come back (for my nine month old, it is usually a grunty yell) and if she wants a toy or something you have and you don’t give it to her, she can go from peaceful baby to nightmare child in a second.

“HYPERACTIVE”

“This feature of high need babies, and its cousin hypertonic, are directly related to the quality of intensity. Hypertonic refers to muscles that are frequently tensed and ready to go, tight and waiting to explode into action. The muscles and mind of high need children are seldom relaxed or still.”

O.M.G.  If you’ve met Willow, you know that her hands and feet NEVER stop moving.  She twists her ankles, opens and closes her fists and she is constantly moving.  In fact, one night, after a particularly rough day, I even Googled “ADHD in infants” because she is THAT busy.  Willow loves to move and jump and stand and pretend walk and… well… stay active 99.9% of the time that she is awake.  It also makes breastfeeding right now nearly impossible during the day because she is SO distracted.

“DRAINING”

“High need babies extract every bit of energy from tired parents — and then want more.  Perhaps “siphoning” is a more accurate term because what you are really doing is transferring much of your energy into your baby’s tank to help her thrive. You will need to muster up as much of a positive attitude as you can; try to think of these “draining” days as “giving” days.”

I’m not even going to tell you the number of times I’ve texted Steve to tell him how drained I was.  Willow needs a constant stream of energy poured into her from anyone who is around and she really dislikes being alone.

“FEEDS FREQUENTLY”

“”Schedule” is not in the high need baby’s vocabulary. Early on these smart infants learn that the breast or bottle is not only a source of nutrition, but also a source of comfort. Not only do high need babies breastfeed more frequently, the need for breastfeeding lasts longer. These babies are notoriously slow to wean.”

If any of you remember back to the early days, and I know Steve will remember this clearly, all I did was nurse Willow.  In fact, I spent the first two-three months on the couch, top off, wearing only a nursing bra, and I fed her. And fed her. And fed her.  I called a lactation consultant to see if maybe there was a reason for it and I doubted myself a lot with regards to my milk making abilities.

Now, Willow nurses pretty much all night, every night.  If I am near her and she isn’t being stimulated by her surroundings, she wants to nurse.  I am being literally drained all day and all night.

“DEMANDING”

“These babies convey a sense of urgency in their signals; they do not like waiting, and they do not readily accept alternatives. Woe to the parent who offers baby the rattle when he is expecting a breast. He will let you know quickly and loudly that you’ve misread his cues. The concept of “delayed gratification” is totally foreign to infants, it must be sensitively and gradually taught when the child is developmentally ready to learn it.”

As I mentioned earlier, my wee girl is not a patient girl.  If she’s hungry, she wants it now.  If she is tired, she will go from slightly tired to cranky and overtired in a few minutes.  If she wants a toy and can’t reach it, she freaks out.  She knows what she wants, when she wants and how she wants it.

“AWAKENS FREQUENTLY”

“Infants with a maturer stimulus barrier may sleep through a slight discomfort, such as being too cold, too hot, slightly hungry, or even lonely. These nighttime discomforts awaken highly sensitive babies.

While you can put some infants down in their crib and they fall asleep, high-need babies have to be deeply asleep before you can put them down.

High-need babies seem to take longer to develop sleep maturity. They are more prone to awaken during the vulnerable periods of transition from one sleep stage to another. Yet high-need infants often seem to be totally “zonked” when they are in the stage of deep sleep. Eventually, these infants are able to spend more time in deep sleep, yet they do not “sleep through the night” as early as less sensitive babies.

High-need babies demand whatever day and night parenting style gives them a sense of well-being, and that usually means sleeping in physical contact with someone, preferably mother.

Infants with a maturer stimulus barrier may sleep through a slight discomfort, such as being too cold, too hot, slightly hungry, or even lonely. These nighttime discomforts awaken highly sensitive babies.

While you can put some infants down in their crib and they fall asleep, high-need babies have to be deeply asleep before you can put them down.
High-need babies seem to take longer to develop sleep maturity. They are more prone to awaken during the vulnerable periods of transition from one sleep stage to another. Yet high-need infants often seem to be totally “zonked” when they are in the stage of deep sleep. Eventually, these infants are able to spend more time in deep sleep, yet they do not “sleep through the night” as early as less sensitive babies.

High-need babies demand whatever day and night parenting style gives them a sense of well-being, and that usually means sleeping in physical contact with someone, preferably mother.”

Umm… yeah.  All of that.

“SUPER-SENSITIVE”

“High need babies are keenly aware of the goings-on in their environment. While you can carry on normal family life without waking most sleeping infants, these babies often awaken at the slightest noise. Super-sensitive infants are unlikely to accept substitute caregivers willingly.”

I remember my dad, not long after we moved in to their house, had commented one night about Willow being a light sleeper as she would wake easily with the slightest noise and he’s right – she is an insanely light sleeper.  We have been using a white noise machine from the time she was little as any noise would wake her up.  We have to tip toe past her door and make sure that nothing loud wakes her up.

“NOT A SELF-SOOTHER”

“High need babies need help to fall asleep. They must learn to trust their parents to help them. This will help them learn to relax on their own, a skill that has value for a lifetime. Crying oneself off to sleep is not a good way to learn to relax. The best way for a baby to learn to relax and fall asleep is to have his behavior shaped for him by a parent. Once a child learns to relax on his own, he’ll have no trouble falling asleep, when he’s tired, on his own.”

Willow has never, ever, ever been able to fall asleep on her own – except for when she was a wee newborn and all she did was sleep anyway.  I have never been able to set her down in her crib and have her doze off to sleep on her own.  That just does not happen.  She needs to be nursed to sleep, every time and without that… she won’t sleep.  Although, she will also fall asleep in the car or while in the carrier but those are external soothers – she doesn’t know how to self-soothe whatsoever.

“SEPARATION SENSITIVE”

“High need babies know which situations and which persons they can trust to meet their needs, and they protest if these expectations are not met. Loud separation protests also reveal that these babies have a capacity for forming deep attachments — if they didn’t care deeply, they wouldn’t fuss so loudly when separated. This capacity is the forerunner of intimacy in adult relationships.”

Willow makes strange sometimes and while I am always making excuses for her, like she’s tired or she’s cranky, she just really doesn’t want to be with many other people than the people she is with on a day-to-day basis.  This part of Willow is getting more and more apparent as when she wants her momma, no one else will do.  She also doesn’t want to sleep alone, at night, whatsoever and she sleeps fine if Steve or I are in bed with her.  It’s super awesome but at the same time, we all need our alone / down time.

Hi Willow.  It’s your momma here.

I’m sitting here watching you play with your toys and I want to tell you a few things about yourself that I will more than likely forget by the time you are old enough to find them as quirky and sweet as I do.

I also figure these stories are better written in a blog than shared on your wedding day… although, with my SEO powers, your future boyfriends are going to be able to easily find all of those embarassing videos and stories.  For that, I am sorry (but not really because if it keeps you boyfriend-less for a little longer than other girls, I am totally okay with that).

So, onto the quirky.

You have the best personality of anyone I know and you are 8.5 months old.  I am not even sure how that is humanly possible but it’s true.  You rock my socks off.

You do this little thing where you throw your hands in the air, tilt your head to one side and make this squishy sort of smiley face and you do it until someone yells, “SCORRRREEEEE” to you.  Then, you do it over and over until you get bored (but personally, I think you are just seeing how silly you can make grown-ups look).

You also grunt and groan and screech and make all of these insanely crazy sounds.  They come out of you like lava spewing from a hole in the Earth.  It just sort of rushes all out and I’m not even sure that you are entirely in control of it.  I think that it just happens because you often look a little surprised about it yourself.

You also don’t really smell like a baby.  I know, I know… this is not necessarily a personality trait but here’s the thing.  I grew up wanting to be one of those girls whose hair smelled really, really nice but I never got told, “Your hair smells nice” so I assumed it wasn’t true.  Now, there is a good chance that I was just immune to the smell of my own hair (sort of like how you can’t smell your own perfume) but STILL.  No one told me.  BUT, fast forward to having you and I’m either immune again to the scent because I smell you all of the time but you don’t smell like a baby.  You smell like a mixture of oatmeal and… well… you.

Whenever you are trying to see over something, like a booth in a restaurant or over a blanket while we play peek-a-boo, you open your mouth super wide as though doing so is going to extend your face so you can indeed see.  I love it.  Every time you do that, I just want to squeeze you because it is THAT adorable.

Grandpa calls you his Squirmin’ Herman but lately you’ve started saying, “NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!” so I’ve started calling you my German Herman and Willow… I can’t believe you learned how to say NO in GERMAN.  Like, seriously?!  Am I REALLY going to have a child who can say no to me in other languages?  This is going to make the high school years fun

You do this amazing fake cry that always results in a fake cough.  You even curl your tongue and sort of stick it out as the cry nears the cough part.  And your eyes squint like you are TRYING to push tears out but they never come… unless you are really crying in which case you close your eyes altogether and my theory on that is you don’t want anyone to see your cry face but honey, just because you close your eyes, it doesn’t make you invisible (longest sentence ever).

Well, I’ve got more to write but you’re fake crying, fake coughing AND yelling NEIN at me so… I better go.  Love you my German Herman.

Momma