I don’t have a defeatist attitude. In fact, tell me that I can’t do something and I’ll do it just to show you I can. Tell me something is impossible and I will find a way.

However, today I am feeling super defeated and I am ready to throw in the towel and say screw it… I just can’t do it anymore.  (Be kind to me… I’ve cried many a tear about this, and other things, today.)

Breastfeeding is breaking my bank account.  In a severe way.

Most new mommas have the luxury of staying home with their babies for a year (in Canada) or twelve weeks (in the US – correct me though if that is incorrect!) to raise them, nurture them and dote on them.  These mommas are able to breastfeed their babies (if they choose to) and they have the time to do so.

Then there’s me.  I fall in the category of self-employed… entrepreneurship… business ownership… whatever you want to call it, it basically boils down to, “Must make own money regardless of what is going on in your life.”

So, I had a baby and I wanted to breastfeed that baby.  We are four months in and breastfeeding has become SUPER easy except for the demands that it places on your time.

I feed Willow on demand which means there is no scheduled nursing here.  I feed her when she is hungry.  Sometimes she comfort nurses because she needs momma snuggles.  Sometimes she’s fussy and the only thing that calms her is nursing.  Sometimes she’s bored and wants to nurse and hear me sing songs.

I love breastfeeding.  I love the bond that comes with it.  I love that it is the one thing that only I can do for my daughter.  I just have SO much guilt around it.

For every hour that I am sitting down breastfeeding Willow, I am being pulled away from work and therefore, being pulled away from earning an income.  Watching my own personal income / revenue deplete after having a baby was totally fine because, well, I just had a baby… but it’s been four months and I still have zero time to actually WORK.

I remember writing a blog post before called something along the lines of, “Don’t Tell Me It’s Going to Suck” where I ranted about people telling me what I wasn’t going to be able to do post-baby and while I don’t want to hear, “I told you so!”, I’m realizing now the merits of what some of those people were talking about.

So, I’m living with my parents (I wrote a blog post on that here) and even with two extra people to help, still don’t find myself having time to work and therefore earn a personal income.  Yes, the business earns an income but I have to pay the people who are doing the majority of the work and these days, that certainly isn’t me.

As I sit here with tears streaming down my face, I’m stuck.  I’m stuck in between being SO incredibly furious that I don’t have the luxury of just ENJOYING the time off with my baby GUILT-FREE and I’m stuck between just throwing the towel in and switching to formula so other people can help me feed her and I’m stuck between just wanting to shove everything else out of the way and nurse my baby and forget that the real world exists.

I’m also so incredibly pissed at feeling stretched and torn apart 99.9% of the time.  Everyone wants a part of me and I have no time to fill myself back up.

All I want is to be able to be a mommy and when I am done with this needy time in my daughter’s life, get back to work but my bank account is not going to let that happen and neither will the clients who are waiting on e-mail replies and the team members who need my support.

More than anything, I’m writing this blog post to hopefully find some answers from those of you who read this blog.  What the hell do I do?!