Willow is a fantastic baby and no, I am not just saying that because I am her mother — she really is a fantastic baby with an over the top personality. BUT, and there is a but, the girl definitely knows how to shake things up and drain the energy from her two loving parents at times.
After trying to put Willow to sleep at 7:30pm and failing, I took her for a walk in the carrier to see if the fresh air would calm her down. We walked for about thirty to forty-five minutes before heading back home to try operation fall asleep again. This time, she fell asleep rather quickly and I was thinking, “WOOHOO! Bachelor Pad time!” (Yes, an insanely guilty pleasure of mine…)
Thirty-five minutes later, she fussed herself awake so Steve went in to calm her down… no luck, so I went in. Nursed her to what I thought was “back to sleep” but when I unlatched her, she came awake and was angry. Super angry. Fast forward to an hour and a bit later (and some gripe water for the gas she had and a clean diaper in case that was bothering her), we were back in bed again and nursing her back to sleep. I get her to sleep by ten forty-five, leave the room, sit at my desk and BAM, awake again. As I’m nursing her back to sleep for the fourth time, I’m thinking to myself, “Is this normal? Do I need to submit to cry-it-out? Where have I gone wrong in getting my child to sleep at night?!”
So, I do what any responsible and intelligent parent does — I Google, “wide awake baby at night.” I sift through a few of the articles and see the phrase, “high needs baby” … I am intrigued so I Google that term. The first article that pops up is an article from Dr. Sears called, “12 Features of a High Needs Baby.” As I read the article, my eyes are wide and I wish I could wake Steve up to tell him that I just figured out why our daughter was so… well… her.
For anyone who is around Willow, for anyone who cares for Willow and for other parents with high needs babies who want to hear our experience, read on… This is going to shed SO much light on why she is the way she is.
The following explains the 12 characteristics of a high needs baby and I’ve grabbed the very basic summary of each point. I also share with you how Willow “fits the bill” so to speak. If you don’t know Willow, this part may be boring so just read the summaries of each characteristic instead.
“INTENSE”
“The cry of a high need baby is not a mere request, it’s an urgent demand. These babies put more energy into everything they do.”
“Intense babies become the intense toddlers, characterized by one word — “driven.” They seem in high gear all the time. Their drive to explore and experiment with everything in reach leaves no household item safe.”
Willow is a lot like her momma in this regard. I tend to jump into whatever I am focusing on full force and I don’t let much get in my way. Willow is a lot like me (in fact, we’re both Sagittarians, which is even more trouble! haha) If you walk out of the room while Willow is in her exersaucer or playing on the floor, she’ll yell at you to come back (for my nine month old, it is usually a grunty yell) and if she wants a toy or something you have and you don’t give it to her, she can go from peaceful baby to nightmare child in a second.
“HYPERACTIVE”
“This feature of high need babies, and its cousin hypertonic, are directly related to the quality of intensity. Hypertonic refers to muscles that are frequently tensed and ready to go, tight and waiting to explode into action. The muscles and mind of high need children are seldom relaxed or still.”
O.M.G. If you’ve met Willow, you know that her hands and feet NEVER stop moving. She twists her ankles, opens and closes her fists and she is constantly moving. In fact, one night, after a particularly rough day, I even Googled “ADHD in infants” because she is THAT busy. Willow loves to move and jump and stand and pretend walk and… well… stay active 99.9% of the time that she is awake. It also makes breastfeeding right now nearly impossible during the day because she is SO distracted.
“DRAINING”
“High need babies extract every bit of energy from tired parents — and then want more. Perhaps “siphoning” is a more accurate term because what you are really doing is transferring much of your energy into your baby’s tank to help her thrive. You will need to muster up as much of a positive attitude as you can; try to think of these “draining” days as “giving” days.”
I’m not even going to tell you the number of times I’ve texted Steve to tell him how drained I was. Willow needs a constant stream of energy poured into her from anyone who is around and she really dislikes being alone.
“FEEDS FREQUENTLY”
“”Schedule” is not in the high need baby’s vocabulary. Early on these smart infants learn that the breast or bottle is not only a source of nutrition, but also a source of comfort. Not only do high need babies breastfeed more frequently, the need for breastfeeding lasts longer. These babies are notoriously slow to wean.”
If any of you remember back to the early days, and I know Steve will remember this clearly, all I did was nurse Willow. In fact, I spent the first two-three months on the couch, top off, wearing only a nursing bra, and I fed her. And fed her. And fed her. I called a lactation consultant to see if maybe there was a reason for it and I doubted myself a lot with regards to my milk making abilities.
Now, Willow nurses pretty much all night, every night. If I am near her and she isn’t being stimulated by her surroundings, she wants to nurse. I am being literally drained all day and all night.
“DEMANDING”
“These babies convey a sense of urgency in their signals; they do not like waiting, and they do not readily accept alternatives. Woe to the parent who offers baby the rattle when he is expecting a breast. He will let you know quickly and loudly that you’ve misread his cues. The concept of “delayed gratification” is totally foreign to infants, it must be sensitively and gradually taught when the child is developmentally ready to learn it.”
As I mentioned earlier, my wee girl is not a patient girl. If she’s hungry, she wants it now. If she is tired, she will go from slightly tired to cranky and overtired in a few minutes. If she wants a toy and can’t reach it, she freaks out. She knows what she wants, when she wants and how she wants it.
“AWAKENS FREQUENTLY”
“Infants with a maturer stimulus barrier may sleep through a slight discomfort, such as being too cold, too hot, slightly hungry, or even lonely. These nighttime discomforts awaken highly sensitive babies.
While you can put some infants down in their crib and they fall asleep, high-need babies have to be deeply asleep before you can put them down.
High-need babies seem to take longer to develop sleep maturity. They are more prone to awaken during the vulnerable periods of transition from one sleep stage to another. Yet high-need infants often seem to be totally “zonked” when they are in the stage of deep sleep. Eventually, these infants are able to spend more time in deep sleep, yet they do not “sleep through the night” as early as less sensitive babies.
High-need babies demand whatever day and night parenting style gives them a sense of well-being, and that usually means sleeping in physical contact with someone, preferably mother.
Infants with a maturer stimulus barrier may sleep through a slight discomfort, such as being too cold, too hot, slightly hungry, or even lonely. These nighttime discomforts awaken highly sensitive babies.
While you can put some infants down in their crib and they fall asleep, high-need babies have to be deeply asleep before you can put them down.
High-need babies seem to take longer to develop sleep maturity. They are more prone to awaken during the vulnerable periods of transition from one sleep stage to another. Yet high-need infants often seem to be totally “zonked” when they are in the stage of deep sleep. Eventually, these infants are able to spend more time in deep sleep, yet they do not “sleep through the night” as early as less sensitive babies.
High-need babies demand whatever day and night parenting style gives them a sense of well-being, and that usually means sleeping in physical contact with someone, preferably mother.”
Umm… yeah. All of that.
“SUPER-SENSITIVE”
“High need babies are keenly aware of the goings-on in their environment. While you can carry on normal family life without waking most sleeping infants, these babies often awaken at the slightest noise. Super-sensitive infants are unlikely to accept substitute caregivers willingly.”
I remember my dad, not long after we moved in to their house, had commented one night about Willow being a light sleeper as she would wake easily with the slightest noise and he’s right – she is an insanely light sleeper. We have been using a white noise machine from the time she was little as any noise would wake her up. We have to tip toe past her door and make sure that nothing loud wakes her up.
“NOT A SELF-SOOTHER”
“High need babies need help to fall asleep. They must learn to trust their parents to help them. This will help them learn to relax on their own, a skill that has value for a lifetime. Crying oneself off to sleep is not a good way to learn to relax. The best way for a baby to learn to relax and fall asleep is to have his behavior shaped for him by a parent. Once a child learns to relax on his own, he’ll have no trouble falling asleep, when he’s tired, on his own.”
Willow has never, ever, ever been able to fall asleep on her own – except for when she was a wee newborn and all she did was sleep anyway. I have never been able to set her down in her crib and have her doze off to sleep on her own. That just does not happen. She needs to be nursed to sleep, every time and without that… she won’t sleep. Although, she will also fall asleep in the car or while in the carrier but those are external soothers – she doesn’t know how to self-soothe whatsoever.
“SEPARATION SENSITIVE”
“High need babies know which situations and which persons they can trust to meet their needs, and they protest if these expectations are not met. Loud separation protests also reveal that these babies have a capacity for forming deep attachments — if they didn’t care deeply, they wouldn’t fuss so loudly when separated. This capacity is the forerunner of intimacy in adult relationships.”
Willow makes strange sometimes and while I am always making excuses for her, like she’s tired or she’s cranky, she just really doesn’t want to be with many other people than the people she is with on a day-to-day basis. This part of Willow is getting more and more apparent as when she wants her momma, no one else will do. She also doesn’t want to sleep alone, at night, whatsoever and she sleeps fine if Steve or I are in bed with her. It’s super awesome but at the same time, we all need our alone / down time.
